Struggles
by KBRClover
Summary: Follow the struggles Kate faces after the death of her boyfriend while pregnant with their son.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: decided to start a new story, please review**

Kate woke to the small cries and whimpers of her young son, sounding through the baby monitor on her nightstand, it was the 4th time that night that Kate had woken to the cries of her son. Kate was struggling, she was a single mother, not how she had planned to start a family after meeting the man of her dreams, the hot doctor Josh Davidson, and discovering she was pregnant while he was in Haiti on a doctors without Boarders mission, he was saving life's while she lay crying on her bathroom floor, clutching the white stick which changed her life.

Sliding out from underneath her comforter, Kate grabbed a robe off of the back of her bedroom door, before making her way along her hallway and into her sons nursery.

Upon opening the door, the faint glow of the airplane nightlight casted shadows up the walls, illuminating her sons cot, where she could see her young 1 year old son sitting up against the cot railings, face red from crying and his hand fisted rubbing his eyes, seeing Kate he outstretched his arms towards her and babbled.

"Mommy"

Kate lifted her son into her arms settling him against her chest, where he rested his head in the crook of her neck and fisted his hand in her robe, his cries softening, Kate paced round the room before resting herself into the armchair which stood into the corner of her Ethan's nursery. It was her mothers armchair, the same armchair that her mother had sat and rocked Kate to sleep just over 25 years ago, when Kate was an infant.

Placing a kiss on his forehead, while her hand brushed his soft brown curls off of his forehead, the resemblance of Ethan to his father caused Kate's mind to wander back to the day when she first held him in her arms.

12th May 2013 at 4:43pm

"_Congratulations Kate it's a boy"_

_The nurse handed Kate over a wrapped up bundle, peering out was the face of her newborn son, his eyes open and alert. Kate had never been so nervous, not even as nervous as when she told Josh or her father that she was pregnant._

"_Hello baby boy, I'm your mommy, and I love you and will always protect you, sorry Daddy couldn't be her right now he's off saving the world, but you'll get to see him soon I promise."_

Little did Kate no that in only a few short days time, her life would change, thinking back she remembered to when Castle turnt up at her door, to give her the news of Josh's passing.

"_Castle what are you doing here"_

_"Kate, I think I should come in and maybe you should sit down"_

_Shifting the sleeping baby in her ams Kate settled onto the couch beside Castle_

_"Kate, I'm so sorry, but he's gone"_

_"What do you mean, he's gone"_

"_Josh, your dad received a phone call informing him that while working with a patient Josh collapsed, and when a fellow doctor examined him they discovered that he had contracted Malaria and his body was too weak to fight the infection."_

_Kate was unable to register Castles words, instead she set her focus on the sleeping baby in her arms, and how he would grow up never meeting his father, and how Josh had so desperately wanted to meet him, but now he would not have the chance._

_Castle reached out and took Ethan out of Kate's arms placing him in his Moses basket before embracing Kate in a hug as she broke down in his arms, her face buried in the collar of his shirt, her tears staining it, while the sins racked her body. Castle had only ever seen Kate break down when she first discovered she was pregnant, although he did find her crying while she pregnant one things like people moving the decaffeinated coffee in the break room at the precinct._

_The next time Kate woke the sun was filtering the curtains of her sons nursery, casting an orange glow,over her her son who slept soundly in her arms against her chest, a snore escaping his mouth every few breaths. _

Kate shifted Ethan in her arms so that she could rise from the armchair, placing him in his cot but now before tucking his blue elephant teddy in beside him. When Kate had told Josh that she was pregnant, he insisted that it was a boy and went out and brought the blue elephant teddy, which Ethan had grown to love. Closing the door slightly, Kate made her way back across her apartment and into the kitchen, she was in desperate need of coffee and after a restless night and a day faced with paperwork. Kate needed the caffeine boost more than ever.

After drinking her coffee and checking that Ethan was still sleeping soundly in his cot, Kate entered her bathroom in desperate need of a shower, she had been unable to wash the previous days dirt and grime off when she had returned home to nigh before late after picking Ethan up from her fathers house, after sundown.

Turing the hot water on, steam filled the bathroom almost instantly, Kate stripped herself off her robe, camisole and shorts which was her usual sleeping attire to step under the pulsing jets of the shower allowing the water to relax her muscles and wash away the tension.

Stepping out of the shower, Kate wrapped herself in a towel before exiting to her bedroom, Kate was Able to make the soft snores of her son out over the baby monitor, while she decided that days outfit, which consisted off Black slacks, a white button up shirt and blazer matched with a pair of 4 inch heeled boots.

Kate glanced over at the digital alarm clock on her nightstand, to see that she only had short of an hour and a half to be at the precinct and she still faced the struggle of washing and dressing a toddler.

A/N: please review should I give up writing forever or continue


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I have decided that I am changing the age of Kate's son Ethan from 1 to 2. Thank you for reading and please keep reviewing.

Walking into Ethan's bedroom Kate was greeted by her smiling little boy, who held his arms outstretched towards her wanting to be snuggled into his mothers embrace. Lifting Ethan into her arms, Kate rested her head in his soft curls, inhaling the familiar scent of her son as she proceeded through her bedroom and into her bathroom to run her son a bath, with bubbles of course, because he was a mommas boy who was becoming more and more like Kate every day and one thing in particular he liked was bubble baths.

Stripping her son of his footsie pyjamas, she placed him in the now significantly bubbled bath, tossing the pyjamas into the laundry basket, which was beginning to overflow due to the lack of time Kate had to spend cleaning her apartment. Ethan had always hated having his hair washed, but with curls it was a common occurrence to have him fight the water. But that was until Castle taught them the bath time son, which become a bath time tradition to sing together while Kate washed her sons hair.

"Mommy! Sing bath time song" Ethan squealed.

"1 bubble, 2 bubble... Ethan sing the next line"

"Scrub, scrub, scrub in the tub"

"Wash, wash, wash"

"1 bubble, 2 bubble, 3 bubble, 4, pop, pop, popping"

Kate sang the last line to her son, the sound of her voice echoing round the room as she washed the remaining soap suds out of his hair, before pulling the plug on the bath she allowed Ethan to say goodbye to the bubbles, another part of his bath time tradition and one that Kate remembered doing with her own mother at a young age.

"Come on Ethan time to get out so we can go see Grandpa."

Grabbing a fluffy towel from the counter, Kate wrapped it around her son, who had proceeded to stand in the bath tub and lifted him into her arms, she had learnt her lesson from the last time, where Kate found herself chasing her young son around there apartment, her son in the nude after abandoning his towel by the bathroom door.

Laying Ethan down on the middle of her bed, she proceeded to dress him in his batman boxers, his favourite since being potty trained the previous month, and a pair of denim jeans and a blue dinosaur top, which had become one of his favourite since Castle had brought it for him. It was then that her phone rang, without looking at the caller ID Kate answered with the her standard,

"Beckett"

"Hi Katie...it's your dad, I'm sorry I know I was meant to have Ethan for you today but I've been called into work"

"Dad it's fine... I'll just have to take him to the precinct with me we don't have an active case anyway"

"If your sure Katie"

"Bye Dad"

Hanging up the phone on her father, Kate reached across her bed to tickle at her sons side while he kay in his stomach watching Cartoons.

"Buddy, guess your coming to work with me today, do you want to see uncle Kevin, Uncle Esposito and Uncle Rick"

"Ethan see Kev and Tio and Rick at the police house"

"That's right buddy, you go get some toys and I'll make you some pancakes"

"With Apple Juice"

"Sure buddy, but we have to hurry"

"I be speedy mummy... Broom broom" Ethan exclaimed as he jumped off of Kate's bed and ran into his own room, where he sat staring at a row of cars that were on the floor, his tongue sticking out in concentration as he decided between a red and blue car.

(...)

Kate pulled up outside the precinct in her crown Vic, her young son in tow, through the rear mirror she could see him sitting in the back seat, clutching the blue elephant teddy. He seemed to be mid story, Kate often found her son telling his stuffed animals stories, although Kate could only make every couple of words she was able to make out that he was telling his elephant teddy that his mom was a superhero that went round saving the word from the bad guys, making her heart melt.

Cutting the engine, Kate stepped out onto the sidewalk, opening the door to allow her son to jump out, but before he was able to do son Kate latched onto his hand as she pulled his rucksack off of the seat and walking him into the precinct and out off of the busy sidewalk.

With a flash of her badge to the cop on reception who Kate expected was new as she did not recognise, Kate was able to bypass the metal detectors but was shocked when he asked her son, her 2 year old son to go through the metal detector, she understood they had to take precautions but she was a detective and he was just a toddler, a baby even.

Passing through the metal detector with an issue, Kate smirked and led Ethan over to the elevator, where once inside she allowed his to press the button that would lead them up to the homicide floor.

The elevator doors opened and immediately Kate's grip on her son tightened knowing that from past experiences he would run straight for his uncles. Leading him through a crowd of cops, once at her desk she helped him club up onto Castles chair, she had expected to see Ryan and Esposito but was pleasantly surprised by the silence that had encased the bullpen. Until of course she heard the ping of the elevator signalling someone had arrived on the floor and then the familiar scent of her favourite coffee, a grande skim latte with 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla, drifted through the bullpen, Castle.

Seeing Castle peek his head round the corner, Ethan jumped out of his chair and ran straight into Ricks legs, placing the coffee cups on the edge of Kate's desk, so that he was able to scoop the young boy into his arms lifting him above his head as if he was an airplane, complete with plane noises as he wooshed Ethan around above his head.

"Uncle Rick...Uncle Rick"

"Hi buddy, what are you doing here?"

"Grandpa had to work, so Mommy brought me to the police house to see you and Uncle Kev and Uncle Tio."

"Come on Buddy how about I take you into the break room and we can play with your cars, while your mom completes her paperwork."

Castle sent Kate a look as she peered over the file she was reading taking a sip of her coffee, watching the scene in fold of her, her son who is fatherless becoming so close to her Partner, his uncle Rick as Castle walked of towards the break room.

(...)

When Kate entered the break room about 2 hours later, the pile of paperwork taken longer than she had originally expected, she was granted with the sight of her son lying on his stomach with Rick sitting on the floor next to him, whizzing Ethan's car toys around the room.

"Castle...Rick, we've got a case, I know this wasn't what you expected coming to the precinct this morning but would you be able to keep an eye on Ethan for a couple of hours, I promise I'll be gone a maximum of 2 hours, just got to go to the scene with Ryan and Esposito."

"Yeah sure, Beckett I've got it covered here, how about I take Ethan back to the loft and make him some lunch and you give me a call when your on the way back from the scene."

"Ok, thanks Castle just don't go feeding him too much sugar, I don't want him on a sugar high when I pick him up"

"Ok, buddy mommy has to go chase some bad guys, be good for uncle Rick and I'll see you later" Kate told Ethan as tears welled up in his eyes and a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Hugging her son a one final time, Kate left the break room turning on her heels leaving Castle sitting on the floor with her son, grabbing her coat on the way out of the bullpen, once Castle heard the elevators doors shut, knowing that Ethan would get distressed seeing Kate leave. Castle rose to his feet with a crack of his back and a pop of his knees. Before kneeling down to pick Ethan up, lightly tickling the young boy squeal with excitement.

"Come on buddy, we are going to go grab some lunch and then your coming back to the loft with me, we can watch Monsters Inc together if you want."

"Can we have burgers uncle Rick and a strawberry milkshake , please, pleeeeeaaaasssseee" Ethan pleaded as he face formed the puppy dog look that Castle was powerless to, it was how Alexis had gotten the pony she wanted when she was just 4 years old.

(...)

Castle buckled Ethan into the back seat of his Mercedes, before beginning the drive back to the loft searching through his iPod for his driving playlist, while glancing in the rear view mirror he could see that Ethan's eyes had drooped closed, his head resting on the window and his blue elephant clutched into his chest.

Castle pulled up outside Remy's, his and Castles favourite burger place, she claimed they sold the best Strawberry shakes while he claimed that they made the best burgers and he had tasted over 200 different burgers around the world from $200 burgers to 50 cent burgers, but Remy's was by far the best burger he had tasted.

Seeing that Ethan was still asleep in the back seat, Castle carefully opened the door so not to startle the young boy, lifting his into his arms, where Ethan subconsciously snuggled into his chest, his head fitting in the crook of Castles neck.

Castle placed his usual order, but instead of the Remy's Burger and fries that he usually brought Kate he placed an order for a small cheeseburger and some curly fries for Ethan, because Castle knew they were his favourite.

Carrying the young boy back to the car juggling the fast food bag, Ethan's strawberry milkshake and the sleeping boy in his arms as he made his way to the car.

Once arriving back at the loft, Castle placed the sleeping boy on his bed, placing some pillows round the edge to avoid any accidents because a bumped head would be the least of his worries if Kate was to find out. Castle stood at the end of his bed for a while, watching the young boy as he slept soundly, he was oblivious to the reality of the harsh world he was brought into.

(...)

Castle was sat in his office, typing away the next chapter of his latest Nikki Heat novel, when he heard the small whimpers of young boy, who probably missed his mom. Castle pushed the door open slowly, seeing the young boy sat on the bed, his eyes red and puffy and his cheeks stained with tears, his arms outstretched as he saw Castle peek his head round the slightly open door.

"Ethan, buddy come her, are you hungry you fell asleep before you could eat your burger, come on we can sit and watch Monsters Inc if you like, while we eat and wait for mommy."

Ethan climbed across the bed, allowing Castle to scoop him up into his arms, his quiet sobs turning into laughter, as Rick carried him through the loft and into the kitchen, placing him on one of the bar stools, while Castle reheated the food and plating it as there was a knock at the door.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: thank you for the reviews and please keep reviewing, will try to get the next chapter up in the next week.

thank you for reading and enjoy the next chapter

The sound of the knock against the solid wood door startled him and his first thought was that it was Beckett coming to collect Ethan but had forgotten to ring or was to busy to call, as Castle knew that if Beckett was busy in a case she would often let the little things slip from her mind or had he missed her call while he was making Ethan lunch. Castle made his way over to the door unlocking it he slowly opened it he was met with the image of a blood stained, beaten and brushed Kate Beckett. Looking down he saw that her knuckles were white and clenched and her body trembled with fear, as she clutched her gun in hand for safety.

As he fully opened the door he was unable to register the image in front of him, reaching out he grasps her gun in his hand pulling it from her grasp and placing it on the table that stood beside the door before placing his hand in hers filling the empty space previously occupied by her gun as he ushered her inside. Glancing over to check on Ethan who he had sat on the couch to watch cartoons before opening the door, Castle saw that the young boy was totally engrossed in the cartoon on screen.

Castle led Beckett by the hand through his bedroom and into his en-suite. Although today she wasn't Beckett she was just Kate his partner in crime, his best friend and the mother of the young boy who had stolen his heart like his own daughter had the the first time he saw her.

Helping Kate sit on the edge of his bathtub, Castle went to retrieve his first aid kit and a fresh pair of clothes for her to replace the blood stained ones she was currently dressed in, all the while the silence speaking volumes of his love for her as he took her in to look after and care for her in her time of need. Kneeling on the cold tiled floor beside her, Castle replaced his hand in one of her tenders ones while his other hand reached out to cup her bruised cheek and eye, as if he hoped that he could heal the pain he knew was there.

Kate gave him a watery smile as her eyes brimmed with tears as he smoothed a washcloth over her tanned skin, removing the remains of blood. The silence still filled the air but rather than press Kate for answers Castle though it was best to wait before asking her. After removing all the visible traces of blood off of Kate's skin, Castle slowly stood up pulling her gently up with him, before helping her remove her blazer which was torn at the arms a sign of the struggle she had faced. Castle cupped her chin slightly tilting her head so that she would engage in eye contact with him, a silent question asking if he could remove her blood stained shirt and waiting patiently for her reply.

After Kate gave him the nod, Castle carefully began unbuttoning her shirt his hands smoothing over the newly visible skin as he peeled her shirt away from her skin and pushing it back over her shoulders, revealing a large angry purple bruise that ran from her collar bone down to below Castles limited visibility being shielded by her white cami. Cradling Kate closer to his chest he hoped that he was able to sooth her pain the way he used to with Alexis when she was younger, but than Kate was not his 4 year old daughter who fell over and grazed her knee and needed it kissing better by her father, this was Kate a fully trained Detective who turnt up at his door bruised and beaten and covered in blood. Castle could feel the tension in her body and she rested against his chest, so lifting Kate into his arms he moved her to sit on the toilet lid while he returned over to the bath and turned on the faucet. An act so intimate would be considered inappropriate if not for the current circumstances between friends between partners.

Steam filled the room almost instantly mystifying Kate's view of Castle as he poured bubble bath into the running water before adding some healing bath salts in an attempt that they could ease her pain if he couldn't. Turning off the faucet, he glanced back over at Kate who looked weaker and more vulnerable than Castle had ever seen her even after he'd delivered the news that Josh had died. Kate was still sat in her blood soaked pants and her white cami, her hair fallen from her ponytail and had fallen round her face matted to her neck and forehead from sweat.

It was Castle who spoke up first, eliminating the silence that had hung in the air since she arrived at the loft,

"Kate...Kate look at me" placing his hand under he chin slightly lifting her head so that he could look into her eyes, hazel met blue as he spoke. "Kate, I'm going to go find you some clothes and I'll put Ethan down in the spare room and then when your down we'll talk about what happened this afternoon"

And with that Castle left the bathroom, closing the door behind him so that it was slightly ajar so that he could be there for. Kate if she needed him. Hearing Castles footsteps growing silence, Kate proceeded to remove her pants and pull the blood stained cami over her head much to her muscles protest. Lowering herself in Castles bathtub, somewhere. Kate both never thought she'd be and somewhere she wanted to be she allowed the water to engulf her and sooth her aches while she sobbed the remains of her tears as she reflected back on the afternoons events.

(...)

It was about an hour later when Kate exited the bathroom fresh out of tears and dressed in Castles clothes, a pair of grey sweatpants that hung low on her hips and one of Castles soft worn navy t-shirts, and her hair pulled into a messy bun resting atop her head. Relaxed. That was the one word that came to Castles mind when he saw her exit his bedroom from his position by the kitchen island where he stood making both him and Kate tea.

After leaving Kate to relax in his bathroom, Castle put Kate's young son to bed dressed in one of his blue dinosaur footsie onesies which had been left at the loft just the month before when Kate and Ethan had came round to celebrate little Castles birthday with pizza and a movie. Before Castle made his way back down the stairs to sit by the window that overlooked the busy street below and watch as the world goes by as he waited for Kate.

Walking over to the kitchen island Kate hung her head low in shame at letting Castle see her at her weakest, sitting down at one of the bar stools facing Castle who pushed her cup of tea towards her. Wrapping her hands around the cup, through her hoarse voice Kate was only able to croak out,

"It was him...he's back"


End file.
